I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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