Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
