You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
