woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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