dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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