You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
