While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Randomize
