The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
