My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
