I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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