i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
