i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
