you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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