you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
