So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
