I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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