So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
