There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
