Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
