if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
