I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
