Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
