About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
