I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
