"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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