I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
