You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
