Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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