I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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