I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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