whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
