everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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