you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
