sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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