Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
