I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I need to stop coming to work sober
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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