I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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