wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
