You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
