our cab driver is having phone sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
