Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
