My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
