I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
