Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
