the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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