Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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