I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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