Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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