Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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