I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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