First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
