I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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