im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
