Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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